In a few months, I get to marry my best friend, Johnny. To prepare for our marriage, we’re going through pre-marital counseling, and so far it has been fantastic. But along with the excitement, I have also had to confront a monster that is always on the hunt to taint the relationships in my life: my own self-centeredness.

One part of our counseling experience includes reading “The Meaning of Marriage” by Tim Keller, which looks at marriage from a Christian perspective. Keller writes that what once was a public institution for the common good to create character and community, marriage is now seen as a way to reach personal life goals and to fulfill one’s own emotional, sexual and spiritual desires. In essence, “Marriage used to be about us, but now it is about me.”

Keller argues that the real purpose of marriage is to express and live God’s love for us through a relationship. It is about giving, not receiving – an idea that our culture-of-self would instinctively find oppressive and limiting. Keller argues and Weave’s Relationalist Manifesto echoes: “Joy is found on the far side of sacrificial service. It is found in giving yourself away.”

“Some will ask, ‘If I put the happiness of my spouse ahead of my own needs – then what do I get out of it?’ The answer is – happiness,” Keller writes. ”Today we stay connected to people only as long as they are meeting our particular needs at an acceptable cost to us. When we cease to make a profit – that is, when the relationships appear to require more love and affirmation from us than we are getting back – then we ‘cut our losses’ and drop the relationship…  and so the very idea of a ‘covenant’ is disappearing in our culture.”

As I ask myself, “Am I really selfish in my relationship with Johnny?” my instinct shouts, “No, I’m a great partner and I love to serve him above myself.” But I realize both my question and answer are ironic, as they truly put me into the spotlight instead of Johnny. Deep down, I have had to confront the uncomfortable truth that unfortunately, I’m not always the best partner and the ugliness of self-centeredness is in me, too. From getting snappy when things don’t go my way or not being considerate of his needs, I‘m growing more aware of patterns in my attitudes and actions that I would justify as “what I deserve,” but which are, honestly, just a facade masking my ego.

As I wrestle with the thoughts of “Well, what about my needs?” versus letting go of my preferences for the sake of another, I’m reminded of a quote by Rick Warren. It captures the kind of humility I admire in Weavers who live lives of self-sacrificial service: “Humility is not thinking less of yourself or more of yourself – but thinking of yourself less.”

I suspect humility is the secret sauce required for a successful marriage, and all other relationships. A humility to recognize my shortcomings and share them with Johnny. A humility to acknowledge how often my ego gets in the way of seeing him and others fully. And a humility to accept that true joy isn’t found in what I do or what I want – but it’s in giving myself away.

I’d love to hear your stories or advice of what you’ve learned about yourself and life through your own journeys of self-examination and humility. I value the wisdom and hard-won lessons of this community. I’m glad to have companions on the path of weaving.